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How to court a queen

ROMANCE: Good catches have to be wooed

PEOPLE ARE always asking, “How did a man like you manage to get a quality gyal like your missus?” And it’s not just jealous geezers who remember when they used to seduce their dates to the sultry tones of my wife’s voice that wonder.

Ladies too can’t quite understand why the queen of lovers rock would end up with a man like me. After all, she’s got the money, the looks, the talent, the sex appeal. It just doesn’t make sense to a lot of people that a bruvva like me, with only one of those attributes, could win over anything but your bog-standard sista.

Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. For one thing, I had to ‘come correct’.

I first tried to ‘get off’ with my missus back in the early eighties, when I was 18. She was on tour and I was on the prowl, as usual. Our paths crossed in ‘wonderful-wonderful’ Copenhagen where I thought to myself, ‘What a nice looking gyal. This is her lucky day...’

Unfortunately, she didn’t see it that way. The dreads didn’t impress her. Neither did the lack of cocoa butter on my grey skin. And, to be honest, after a couple of nights of sleeping rough - the hitchhiker’s guide way - I could have done with a bath... I should have at least brushed my teet.

Eventually I learned how to court a queen. If you too want to be lucky in love, follow these lessons:

LESSON ONE: (this goes for you as well, ladies)
If you want the man/woman of your dreams... hol’ a fresh.

LESSON TWO: (especially for you fellas)
Saying “Get your coat, luv, you’ve pulled,” doesn’t work on women of colour.

LESSON THREE: (unisex)
If you have no choice but to ignore the above lessons in love, then you have to be prepared to let off sump’n... at least 10 grands worth of ‘sump’n usually grabs the attention and focuses the mind of any prospective candidate. There’s nothing quite like a cash incentive to get the romantic juices flowing.
Unfortunately, I was unable to let off sump’n for the next 15 years. I was busy being a student of life (still reeling from the cussing I got in the land of the great Danes) and you know how broke students are. But I bided my time, jumping at the opportunity every now and then to interview the queen of lovers rock.

LESSON FOUR:
Tek time to woo her. The riper the berry, the sweeter the juice.

LESSON FIVE:
Get a well-paid job that will allow you a good reason to present yourself favourably in the thoughts of the woman/man of your dreams.

I continued positioning myself strategically until the right time came. By now I was top ranking with several successful businesses under my belt, REAL money (as opposed to relying on the claim ‘this time next year I’ll be a millionaire’) in my wallet and a degree in the philosophy of the male and female (yes, really).

By the time I made my move, I was the most eligible bachelor in London and knew women better than they know themselves. My move was so smooth that up till now my missus thinks she made a move on me.

LESSON SIX:
‘Come correct’ means cash. Only fools marry simply ‘for love’ nowadays.

LESSON SEVEN:
Learn to play chess. Everything you need to know about strategy is in that little game. It will teach you to protect your ‘queen’ at all cost.

LESSON SEVEN:
Learn everything there is to know about the opposite sex. Especially flattery.

LESSON EIGHT:
When you make it a date, don’t be late. Keeping her standing in the rain won’t get you walking down the aisle with your queen.

LESSON NINE:
When she offers to push your motorbike after it breaks down on your first date, you know she’s the one. Black women don’t push motorbikes and whether the queen of lovers rock meant it or not, it’s the thought that counts.

LESSON 10:
You passed. When’s the wedding?

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