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Male victims of domestic violence cry out for assistance as they struggle to cope with their female abusers

Traditionally seen as a woman’s nightmare, a number of men are now speaking out about the abuse they have suffered - at the hands of women.

The manhandling takes the form of physical violence, threatening behaviour, and emotional and financial abuse.

Officials estimate that domestic violence against men kills 30 men each year and will affect one in six men during their lifetime.

This violence leaves many men struggling to cope - often in silence without adequate help - while being emotionally damaged and physically scarred.

Male support organisations complained that not enough is being done to protect male victims of domestic violence and are calling for more research, more safe houses for men, and more equality in the distribution of funding geared at providing help to domestic violence victims.

They make it clear that domestic violence is not only a woman’s world. Battered men need help too.

A Home Office spokesperson admitted that while women remain more likely to be abused: “It is understood and accepted, that men can also be the victims of domestic violence. Therefore, it is important that they are treated equally within the law and that initiatives involving policing, criminal prosecutions and the courts, are seen to be equitable in the delivery of their services.“

“Me? Beaten up by a woman? You have got to be joking!”

Lyle, a 31 year old black male living in London, laughed in disbelief at the question of whether he has ever been a victim of domestic violence.

But many men in the UK are not laughing.

They are suffering in silence from a pattern of violent behaviour where they are physically attacked or berated with comments like “You’re worthless”, “You’re useless” and “You are not a man.”

Many are still not getting adequate help and support despite experiencing physical or sexual violence, financial and emotional abuse and other threatening behaviour.

In fact, according to organizations working with abused men, such violence against men is often hidden, laughed at and treated lightly in some quarters even as it escalates.

The inability to find help sees some 30 men die each year from domestic violence.

While domestic violence overwhelmingly affects women - one in four according to Government statistics - many men are finding themselves in this vicious situation.

Men such as Dave Mortimer, who went on to form and chair Men’s Aid, a lobby and support charity for male victims of domestic violence.

For nearly a year, Mortimer lived a nightmare that started all so simply.

In the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend, she slapped him.

ESCALATED VIOLENCE

Although confused about why she hit him, he brushed the incident aside.

“I was with her because I liked her,” he said.

But things worsened.

Soon he became a regular punching bag, getting kicked, slapped and punched on countless occasions.

“I had no idea why she slapped, kicked and punched me. Most of the time these (attacks) came without warning. She was only around eight stone and I was 14 stone so if you saw her you would not believe she was doing this. I did not retaliate. I am not the type to hit women,” Mortimer, a father of one son, said.

Mortimer said his home life became unbearable.

He was constantly tense, wary of when the next unpredictable attack would come. “You have this state where you are walking on egg shells and don’t know why,” he recalled.

Without his retaliation, he said the situation escalated. In one case, he said his girlfriend grabbed and punched him in the face in front of his visiting friends. He held her off but said the abuse continued after his friends left.

Then four years ago, in front of their son and after an attack which left him bleeding, Mortimer said his girlfriend grabbed a knife.

He finally saw the light and fled for his life.

“I wasn’t going to stay to be killed. I didn’t tell the police because I did not think they would believe me,” he said.

Homeless, he headed to his local council.

“I stood there shirt all ripped. I was bruised and bleeding,” he recalled. After convincing them he needed help, he was given emergency shelter in temporary accommodation - a bed and breakfast - where he stayed for three years with his son. He was severely affected, suffering depression at one point, he said.

Information provided by the charity, Refuge showed that while mostly women are affected, eight per cent of women are violent to men and that seven per cent of men are violent to men.

Statistics from the Home Office show that one in six men will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime. In addition, findings from the 2001 national British Crime Survey (BCS) on domestic violence indicated that one in ten men have experienced at least one incident of non-sexual domestic threat or force since they were 16. Of those affected, 41 per cent sustained a minor physical injury, 14 per cent a moderate physical injury, one per cent severe injuries and nine per cent mental or emotional problems.

The odds of getting abused get higher - the same as heterosexual women - if victims are gay men, said Mark Colter, male victims development officer for the Men’s Advice Helpline and Enquiries. The helpline is part of Respect the UK membership association for programmes providing help and support for victims and perpetrators of domestic violence.

The helpline helps 1500 men each year, among them male victims of domestic violence.

Mortimer said in the early days he struggled to find help and even when he talked about being abused, he had to put up with suspicious looks and body language from people which made it clear they believed he contributed to the abusive situation. That is why is he started Men’s Aid, he said.

He, Colter and various representatives from men’s support organisations said many men facing abuse have nowhere to go. There are very few sanctuaries for men and much of the available funding goes towards helping women and child victims of domestic violence.

“Money and schemes should be for all victims. They haven’t sought the views of men. Many have no help. No wonder they suffer in silence or turn to drink. We’re campaigning for equality. We want to ensure that there is some help for men as well,” said Mortimer.

He added that social services and court systems still tend to be too women-friendly, allowing many women who are violent to get away with false accusations of domestic violence against their partners.

MORE RESEARCH

Colter said there was a need for more research on male victims of domestic abuse, especially where it involves talking with men and getting their views on the services they need.

“The research on men has not been done. There is a percentage of men who do not recognize that what they are experiencing is domestic violence. If you mention domestic violence, the first thing most people will think is a bloke’s fist hitting a woman’s face so as to why they stay in the situation, partly they don’t recognize it. They think I have married this woman for better or for worse and its just part of it or they stay because they have children and want them to have two parents.”

A home office spokesperson said government has now commissioned research looking at victims of domestic violence along with research on victims in transgender, gay and lesbian relationships.

While stating that all victims need help, Refuge argued that more services were there for women because more women were abused (89 per cent compared with 11 per cent of men), more women are more likely to be seriously injured or killed, they were more likely to be repeatedly victimized and more likely to seek help. More women than men also tend to leave with their children.

Organisations working with men said shame paralyses many male victims and keeps them prisoner in violent situations.

Data showed domestic violence affects 2.4% of white men, 1.6% of black men and 0.6% Asian men.

But experts said that domestic violence is a taboo subject for many and is vastly under-reported despite estimates that it accounts for 16 per cent of all violent crime and costs the country around £23bn a year.

“Many men feel disbelief or fear that they won’t be believed. The response of the police has been getting better …but many in society still treat domestic violence very lightly especially when men are hurt. One reason is the old stereotypes - traditional forms of masculinity where men are supposed to be strong and tough,” said Colter.

John Archer, professor of psychology at the University of Central Lancashire and past president of the International Society for Research on Aggression said some women hit men because they knew their male partners will not retaliate, they were using violence as a means to control and many felt they were not hurting the men with their actions. Others believed men can readily protect themselves so they did not need to worry if they became physically aggressive.

MALE LEADERSHIP

Ken Barnes, president of the renowned 100 Black Men of London, working to provide male leadership, said this subject could be especially hard for black men.

“It is something that we never talk about…the black man holds his masculinity high. For many, it’s very emasculating for this to happen,” he said.

Victim Support in West Midlands found that very few black men have come forward. In the last five years in one area, only 15 of the 247 male victims of domestic violence were Afro-Caribbean and 25 Asian.

In addition, some support officials suggest that black men may not go to the police because of the tense historical relationships between black men and the police. Where many have faced racism and stereotypes, they may be reluctant to have another negative view attached to them.

“I have found some very good examples of the police dealing sympathetically with them, but then it is probably safe to say that relates to specialist officers,” said Ian Borland, a male helpline support worker.

“But barriers exist. Barriers to reporting include fear of ridicule and fear of not being believed as the macho male suffering at the hands of a woman.”

Published: 09 January 2007
Issue: 1251

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