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ONE NIGHT ONLY: But women often regret casual sexual encounters

Why what’s ‘good’ for men is bad for women

OVER THE past four decades, women have gained a number of social freedoms previously only enjoyed by men — including sexual liberation.

Popular TV programmes such as Girlfriends and Sex and the City are credited with fuelling the sexual revolution.

On these shows, female characters enjoy casual encounters and take pride in their sexual prowess – just like men.

But, according to a study by the journal Human Nature, women are not suited to brief sexual encounters.

The study found that men are more likely than women to secretly want their friends to hear about their conquests, and to know that their partner is desirable to others.

Men reported greater satisfaction and contentment following the encounter, as well as a greater sense of well-being and confidence about themselves.

However, most women felt ‘used’. They were also more likely to feel they had let themselves down, and were worried about the potential damage to their reputation if others knew.

Moreover, women found the experience less sexually satisfying and, contrary to popular belief, they did not seem to view taking part in casual sex as a prelude to long-term relationships.

The study of women's attitudes towards sex also revealed that women of all ages believe that sex outside marriage or a committed relationship is wrong.

Lisa* says in order to be a strong woman you have to be in control of your sexuality.

Although the 22-year-old feels most comfortable having sex in a relationship, she isn't in one now and often has one-night stands.

"I think casual sex is okay, but it depends on why you're doing it," Lisa tells The Voice.

"If it's really what you want to do — if you just want to go out and have fun and you're doing it for yourself — that's okay. But if you're doing it because you're feeling lonely, or to fill a void or to get attention, it's not all right."

Lisa admits that she frequently finds herself regretting her one-night stands the next day.

On the other hand, Mike McDonald is a 22-year-old undergraduate at Goldsmith’s College, in London has no such regrets.

Six years past the age of consent, McDonald has bedded over 150 women.

“I was a late starter. I did not get at it until 18, so I am making up for lost time,” says McDonald.

The number of women McDonald has slept with equates to 37 women per year – a figure that will horrify some and see him lauded by others.

“I’m too young to settle down. I don’t want to commit to just one lady,” McDonald said.

“Why should I when there are so many beautiful women? If she is up for it and I am up for it, what harm is there?

“Sex is a wonderful pastime, which keeps you healthy and fit. It beats the gym any day!”

Men like McDonald are seen as ‘gyal-ice’ or ‘studs’. However, if McDonald was a woman, he would be seen as a ‘ho’ or a ‘slapper’.

According to Natalie Lue, a dating and relationships writer and editor of the website Baggage Reclaim, men and women who have one-night stands are viewed differently because society has entrenched ideas about how both sexes should conduct themselves.

“Women feel guilty because they bring their emotion into things, even though it may not have been their intention to become emotionally involved,” Lue says.

“On the other hand, men find it easier to detach themselves and allow sex to be just sex.”

“While men see sex as sex, women tend to read in between lines that don’t exist, which I refer to as the ‘justifying zone’.

“When women have casual sex they tend to look for reasons to tell themselves why they had sex in the first place, which eventually develops into a reason as to why they should stay or become invested in that man.”

Lue explains to The Voice that while men like McDonald have casual sex for the pure fun of it, women who indulge in the same pleasure tend to do so for the following reasons:

“They want to have no strings sex and can switch off emotionally. The catch with these women is they say they just want sex and then get mad when a man treats them like a casual ‘shag’.

“Some women go along with it in the hope that it will turn into more. They refuse to believe that it's just a one-off.

“There are women who mistake the connection they make with a guy as a signal that it's OK to get down, but still think he'll call (often because he has led her to think that),” Lue says.

“They then discover that it's nothing more than a one-nighter. Because she has slept with him, he doesn't see her in a girlfriend light, but will happily use her for a booty call.

“They mistake sex for affection and, combined with their short attention spans, they seek validation from new sexual conquests all the time.

However, according to Dr. Aruna Broota the age of a woman is an important factor to consider in such cases.

“For girls in their early teens, who are in no mood to get into a long-term relationship, a one-night stand is just a fun thing and they have no qualms while indulging in the occasional romp.

“But as a woman grows older, a feeling of guilt starts seeping in and they try to pick one man for a long-term relationship out of the many they have had sexual encounters with.”

South Londoner Patricia Smith* has been dating online for several years. She also meets guys at bars and sometimes company events.

Smith, 29, told The Voice she is eager to meet someone and settle down but very rarely gets past a first date.

She regularly ends up sleeping with or engaging in some sexual contact with her dates.

“I really like sex and affection and I don’t believe I should miss out because I’m single,” says Smith.

However, the human resources manager admits that she is now faced with the problem that the great majority of her dates are turning into one-night stands. And on several occasions men have referred her to as a ‘tart’ or ‘slut’.

Now viewed in certain circles as a woman who 'gives it up', Smith says: "I don't understand why I am being lambasted for being sexually liberal by these men.

“I admit that I do want a relationship and not just sex, but if sex is all that is being offered, why am I going to be penalised if I don't say no?

“Why am I perceived as a slut when the men that I have had encounters with are doing the same but are seen as bedroom heroes?”

Lue, who answers such questions on her website, says: “Men are certainly not looked down on for sowing their wild oats. No matter what culture, people almost expect men to have numerous partners and indulge in casual sex.

“Traditionally, women tend to be regarded as slutty if they sleep around, even though they are sleeping around with men that are sleeping around and aren't being frowned upon.”

She continues: “It's interesting that popular reggae artists like Beenie Man often say girls who are up for a ‘slam’ come from the ‘ghetto’.

Lyrics such as ‘Yuh have fi get a slam from a real ghetto girl… Gimme the girl dem with the wickedest slam’ indicates that women who ‘give it up’ are those you mess with but you don't stay with or marry because they're beneath you, which shows the trappist behaviour of men.”

“Men don’t judge their own behaviour but mark women down for doing what they do.”

Lue also says that most men’s egos cannot handle the idea of a woman just wanting him for sex and nothing more.

“Men’s penises and egos are programmed to expect that the woman must believe when they're having sex that he might be 'the one'.

“They like the idea of her thinking that she's falling in love with him or wants more from him.”

Lue advises women who participate in one-night stands to do so with confidence.

“My advice to women who want to have one-night stands is don't explain or discuss it, just do it and make sure you get out of your set-up before the guy has time to cast judgement on you.

“But most importantly don't do one-night stands if you're the type of woman that thinks too much, or if you want a real relationship from him. And never, ever, do it with someone from work or from your circle.”

She adds: “Let’s face it, when it comes to bedroom rules there is one rule for women and another for men. Women who try to emulate men do not come out smelling of roses because men don't like women who play by their rules, especially if it’s to do with something like casual sex.”

* Some names have been changed

Published: 14 July 2008
Issue: 1329

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