Exploding the dating myths keeping you from finding your soulmate

Black professional women in their 30s and 40s are the least likely demographic to be married. If this includes you then singlehood consultant Sara-Jayne Mcleod has some practical advice to change the bad mental habits that may be holding you back from finding love

When I opened a dating agency in July 2019, although I expected that my clientele would include a significant percentage of black women, I did not realise how many professional, beautiful black women would request my services.

Within my first year of operation, I have had almost 300 black women subscribe to adammeetevehere.com. In a world of photo filters and ‘swiping left’ in a nanosecond, we provide an unashamedly old-fashioned dating agency. While registration and service payment is online, we get to know our clients and find matches based on a real conversation about what matters.

It’s a shocking fact that educated black professional women in their 30s and 40s are the most likely to be unmarried compared to other demographics. This is a multifactorial problem that I explore in my new dating guide, Manhandling, Myths and Mudholes. I identify historical factors that cannot be changed, but also many individual factors that certainly can be modified to increase women’s opportunity for marriage.

As a singlehood consultant, I have spent the last seven years identifying unhelpful thinking patterns that can prevent single women from finding the love they deserve. Some myths need to be dispelled and other restrictive beliefs need to be widened. It is my purpose to empower women to enjoy singlehood while actively pursuing marriage. I help them move from having a pure desire to intentional action that produces life-changing results. Today we will go through three different myths that many single women believe.

1. “There are no good men left”

If only I had a pound for every time I heard this erroneous statement! We need to be sure we understand what a ‘good man’ is before we say that there are no good men left. Everyone has their idea of what human perfection is, but sometimes women expect things from men that are unreasonable or unnecessary for a healthy marriage. I think it’s a good thing to know what you want, but most women have too many non-negotiable items on the list. Financial stability is an excellent quality but does Mr Right also have to be over six foot?

Whether you both want children is a foundational issue but does he have to makeover £50,000 a year? I observe women pick, pick, and pick until they find themselves single in their 50s while the good man who pursued them in their youth is now living his best life with a wife and children.

When the ideal list is too restrictive, you automatically miss out on a good man who may give you precisely what you need. What we want could be based on negative experiences or social media pressures that hype-up particular couples. Instead, focus on the essential things which leave room for the unexpected love story. Good single men are everywhere: getting their hair cut, paying for petrol in front of you, and taking the tube. Have you ever noticed that when you think of a certain type of car that you see more of them? Well… if you start to think positively about single men then you will.

Singlehood consultant Sara-Jayne Mcleod says that women should
let go of unhelpful thinking patterns in their search for a husband

2. “The One!”

Ladies, I am going to be clear: I do not believe there is only one man with whom you could enjoy a healthy marriage. This obsession with ‘the one’ is closely linked to the ‘no good men’ myth. While the idea of soul mates is romantic, it is not rational. Out of the millions of people on the planet, it is unfair to expect that you will find a particular person. And if you accidentally marry someone else’s ‘one’ wouldn’t that set off a chain reaction which would mess it up for that other person?

You will likely meet many men that you are compatible with, and it is up to you to choose that person. You cannot help you are attracted to in the first instance, but you can decide who you want to love. That man becomes your ‘one’ because you want to love them. I believe real, mature love is a choice that is accompanied by feelings but not led by them.

There will be days in a marriage where you do not ‘feel’ that you are in love, but you choose to love honouring your commitment. The man does not stop being the ‘one’ because you are mad at him. You will encounter challenges, highs, lows, and you will choose every day to work on your marriage. One of the things I tell my clients when dating is to leave room for humanity. Your future spouse will not be perfect, but he will be perfect for you.

3. “Successful men do not want a strong black woman”

This is not true. Many men value an accomplished woman who knows her value, where she is going and what she wants. This kind of man is mature and secure in his masculinity. He will not attempt to compete with you. He would not dream of crushing your personality.

I know many of you out there have had some awful dating experiences, but never apologise for being yourself. For every man who could not keep up with you, there is one that will. You may have to consider the younger or older guy. Who says that he has to be the same race or culture as you? You may have to relax your blanket rule on not dating divorced men, and instead consider them on a case-by-case basis. You may have made some mistakes in the past, but do not let your mistakes define you. Grow from it, of course, but do not change your unique God-given personality. There are men who know exactly how to love you for you.

Final thoughts

While physical attraction may capture attention from men, it’s the person’s character that will keep it. It is incredible to me to see how much your ‘thought life’ influences your experienced life. As you take time to dispel myths and let go of unhelpful thinking towards dating and love, you will find that you become more optimistic and friendly when socialising. Men will approach more because positive, confident women are beautiful.

Manhandling, Myths and Mudholes by Sara-Jayne Mcleod is available now on Amazon priced £12.99 in paperback and £8 as an eBook. 

For more information, visit www.adammeetevehere.com

Comments Form

1 Comment

  1. | Jemma

    Great article!!! So inspiring…

    Reply

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