‘Why I am no longer interested in black men’

Writer Wendy James says she has grown tired of black men’s disdain for their female counterparts

“WHY DO you like black women? They wear weaves and their attitudes stink. You must be crazy!”

This statement was made by a young black man after my white friend expressed his interest in dating black women. The comment didn’t deter him and he is still in search of his beautiful black queen.

Unfortunately, for the black male, his comment did not offend me. I smiled at him and quickly changed the subject.

I am accustomed to black men denigrating black women and have come to expect it.

I used to love black men so much that I dated them exclusively for a long time and then I began to notice something.

The love is unlikely to be returned.

Initially, it began with celebrities. Many black male celebrities are married to or dating non-black women. Names like golfer Tiger Woods, basketball champ Kobe Bryant and billionaire and music mogul Dr Dre, who could contribute significantly to the black community and to black families, have chosen not to.

They avoid black women like the plague. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating but the level that black men do is distressing. It’s as if they believe that dating white women will make society more accepting of them.

In the UK, you would be fortunate to find a black footballer or even a black actor with a black wife. They loathe their women so much that they even slander them in front of their white companions, much like the black male I mention in the opening paragraph. The hurtful and humiliating comments appear to be a dismal attempt to ruin the self-esteem of their women.

“I am not intimidated by black women,” laughed my blue-eyed, blonde-haired friend who is currently dating a black Premier League player. “My boyfriend would never touch one, they are not very attractive.”

Her comment did not offend me. We have been friends for a while and are quite open with each other. I would rather have a friend who is honest to my face than behind my back.

To be honest, I find it difficult to keep track of the number of white women I have met who are certain that their black partners would never want black women.

“They are better looking with amazing skin and long hair”, Steven, another friend of mine, remarked when I probed him on why he always dates white women. “I want my children to be pretty.”

Growing up, my mother used to tell me that there is nothing worse than loving a man who does not love you back.

It is rare to find a black man who loves black women. They dislike them so much that they refuse to marry them, leaving 70 per cent of black women single. Additionally, there are more single black mothers than women of any other race.

Black men have contributed significantly to the negative way the world views black women.

Three years ago, I decided to stop ‘waiting’ for a good black man. There is a 90 per cent chance that he might not want me anyway. My dark skin and coarse hair is enough to send him running.

I have fared better with white and Asian men. They like my hair and skin and are not embarrassed by me. I admire New York City mayor Bill De Blasio and his black family and discount the black men who try to deter white men from dating me. I would rather focus on the sensible white men who do not care about what society thinks.

The number of black women dating non-black men is increasing but not fast enough.

We need to wake up. It is a waste of time waiting around for a black man. Most are seeking non-black women. It is time for us to take a serious look at our options.

You only have one life to live, date who loves and respects you enough to marry you and one who will make you happy regardless of skin colour. Stop complaining about the way black men treat you. Leave! You are beautiful, you deserve better. If they cannot accept you for who you are, find someone who will.

Comments Form

29 Comments

  1. | Jason Nevins

    Wendy James talks about black men denigrating black women, but I think that this issue is just a matter of what goes around, comes around with regards to black women. James talks of black male celebrities dating non-black women, but there are many black female celebrities who date non-black men, such as Paula Patten, Janet Jackson, Naomi Campbell and Diana Ross to name but a few.

    James talks about faring better with white and Asian men, and how they’re not embarrassed by her and like her hair and skin. If this is the case, then how come Asian men never date or marry dark-skinned Asian women? In this country there are many Asian people who are very dark-skinned, yet Asian men never lust after them. They prefer light-skinned Asian women with long, straight hair. It is well known that dark skin and frizzy hair are looked down upon in the Asian communities. Why is it that Asian men date and marry black women but not dark-skinned Asian women? I feel that like white men, Asian men date black women because their friends have dared them to, as an experiment, as a fashion accessory, as rebellion, or because they think that black women are better in bed than non-black women. Funnily enough, most of the Asian men that I’ve seen with black partners are with mixed-race girls or light-skinned black girls.

    Reply

    • | Steph

      @Jason Nevins

      How can it be a case of “what goes around comes around” when black women show far more race loyalty and have never denigrated black men to the extent black men denigrate black women?

      Your comment is not based in reality.

      As for the author of this piece – Wendy get some self-esteem and self respect and then you won’t need to tolerate the bigoted friends you have.

      That said you’re right – given how many black men show everyday how they detest black women, it is time for black women to burn the cape. Our loyalty is not reciprocated. Go where you are welcomed.

      Reply

    • | Tyrone Cromwell

      I would like to say as an educated Blackman both black women and black men need to stop attacking one another. There is beauty in both but we continue to fight among one another and allow, society to control our thinking. As a Blackman I have met, dated, and married a beautiful black women. I take nothing away from her strength and beauty. But also black women need to be mindful not to take another way from black men. Just as long ago when white salve owners to run and make love to black women, their wives were running and making love to black men.

      Culture and society has allowed both black woman and men to treat one another in such negative ways. Black women want to be treated better but a portion of you have no respect for yourself and allow your to be treated the way you act. In turn black men have failed to step up and be men because you find woman that treat you like a child because you want to be taken care of. The world has evolved far enough to where race is no longer wait can be said for not be successful in black people.

      As a people we demonstrate to much jealous hatred for each other instead of learning to work together for what is the betterment of our black race. When you date someone you should date for love, compatibility, and the focus of a better future for all in this world. There is only one planet that we live on and we must make it better for everyone.

      I hope the black women that read this do not give on black men because of the mistakes some have made and the way some have treated you. I as a black man has never given up on black women because of the way I have been treated by some because I know that not all.

      We are all people looking for happiness and that special person to share it with. Remember before you can find happiness in another you must have happiness within you.

      Reply

  2. | Jay

    There’s too many points to address but long story short global society in general have issues with our people so we need to stick together now more than ever. Running to them is not the solution. Actually encountering them in the first place is why we’re messed up now cos they’ve destroyed so many lives over a long period of time. Anyway don’t worry about celebrities they work for evil forces plus the guys u mentioned are poor examples. Dre has issues from childhood. Koby is what we would refer to as a coconut and Tiger doesn’t even identify as black his father probably doesn’t either. Just because your skin is black doesn’t necessarily mean u are. Understand?

    Reply

  3. | Balfour Burrell

    Wendy J column is based on her opinion not actual facts. Opinions are not knowledge or facts this we need to understand. Wendy made few personal observation happenings within her circles. But what she stating is not wide spread as how we would think. Since we migrated from africa we have interbreb with all nations where ever we went. People are free to be with who ever they are attracted to. Love do not have eyes for colour or race, attraction to someone neither. If black men speak badly of black women just to show their white lovers they are not attracted to black women then that is their own feelings. Once you disrespect your own race then it say all about you. If a white woman listen to a black man speak badly of black woman and still be with that person then it say something about that white woman. Wendy its not black men its the black men within your circle. I as a black man stick to my black woman but im not against race mixing. Being a pro black does not mean i do not accept humanity. Wendy J you made some points but sadly i as a black man do not agree with you.

    Reply

    • | Its me

      I agree with Wendy and took the same course. I figured since I’m a thin,mixed race Black women and I see lots of Black men with overweight White women or other races; I refuse to date Black men anymore nor do I socialize around them or entertain them she’s correct. Since I’m a woman I know what I come across and most Black men are similar to George Floyd lifestyle which is unacceptable to me. Black men also prey on women and want you to be the bread winners while they cheat and occasionally contribute. Sorry not for me not as unloyal as most Black men are all the think about is there dycks!

      Reply

      • | Antonia O.

        As a blackish woman, I can find there are lots of good black men out there. The normal black man who refers to himself as a “nigg_” … is who most of us are talking about when they say they can’t be with black men. And who run to non-black women because they’re too masculine…when they’re demanding them to get off their couch, stop begging for money for sneakers, and get a job. Basically they’re tired of fed up black women demanding them to start acting like men. There are lots of real black men out there. Just the ones women hate stand out the most because they’re the ones we tend to encounter….because while the good positive black men are at work, the immoral gold diggers preying on welfare-mom black men are the ones introducing theirselves to us. And the ones here attacking us in their selective memory about why black women are so angry. They’re also the ones going after non-black women for the same reason they go after an innocent-looking light skinned skinny black woman. She looks like niave easy prey. I know because I’m one of those women. These black men loveeeeee me. But when I give then a chance, it’s deja vu.

        Reply

  4. | Evrol Gordon

    Black women are just as prejudice of dating a black men as black men of black women. We go in with the same preconceived, contrived stereotypical bs judgements and notions of each other which has been spouted out for over 3 decades. We judge and oppress the same way as our oppressors judge us. Then we wonder why society doesn’t change, in view of the current BLM movement. Until we learn to connect on an emotional level in a loving black on black relationships, racism will always exist. We need to overcome our own in house bigotry battle before we can fight and finally defeat the outside bigots.

    Reply

  5. | Monica

    What I find funny is black men say black women have bad attitudes but yet the prison system is full of black men with the ghetto attitudes. They are hypocrites, they say dark skin and nappy hair is unattractive, which clearly means he doesn’t love his mother. This men are ungodly and not loyal, now please stop with the obsession of bashing the black women as we know if you was happy with Becky then you wouldn’t have the time to focus on black women.

    Reply

  6. | A.ezana

    Aside africans,I must say british black men and women are rough on the edges.unlike africans,the british black man hates himself let alone love black woman.

    Reply

  7. | Zera

    It also sounds like your “friends” that talk down on blk woman and them being accepting of how there partner’s treat and talk about blk woman need to be left in the dust they don’t sound like real friends tbh they sound just as hateful and spiteful.

    Reply

  8. | Maurice jones

    Wow , this been going on forever , now we got YouTubers like Chrissie and Cynthia g to talk about it

    Reply

  9. | Mike

    I don’t think you should worry about what your type is your looking for when it comes to race,ethnicity,class,or religion .about ten years ago I gave up on looking for what I thought I wanted and expected and let the universe present who it would want in my life.I did the Goerge Castanza and did the opposite of everything I ever thought.And the universe gave me what I’ve always wanted.We where friends for 3 years before she asked me if I was gonna ever take her out on a date.we’ve been togather for 10 years now and have never even had a real argument,and I’m sure ill marry her one of these days..

    Reply

  10. | Augusto A luimbo

    I don’t have much to say. You’re highly opinionated and emotional.

    Reply

  11. | Malaika

    She’s upset I understand but black men are not the reason the world looks on poorly on us.

    Reply

    • | Joshua R Tolliver

      This is so true and as a black men this is what we been trying to tell people and they are the reason why black men are starting to date outside the race

      Reply

      • | Rachel

        I spent the day thinking about the Black man who beat a Black woman in the head in a restaurant the other day and her son had to kill the man because none of the men in the restaurant tried to help before it got to that point. I don’t get that.

        I read these comments and I’m going to say this because I’m old. I was married first for 25 years to a man I grew up with, knew since I was 11, who was not a criminal, who was a good father, a hard worker and at 40, we were doing very well financially for two kids from the hood. He did not treat me well. I worshiped him and he loved me, but he did not treat me well. After I divorced him to save my life, I met men who started out great, but they became so emotionally abusive, I always had to part ways to maintain my sanity. I married again at 49 because I was afraid that if I made it to 50, I wouldn’t find anyone. We were married 9 months before he cheated and divorced him.

        I’m still living and still learning and this a cautionary tale for the wise, hopefully more so to the men who might read this than the women who already know. I am a good woman. No man has ever told me different. They wanted to control me like I’m a thing and not a person, and they wanted to discipline me like I was a child and not a woman, but they were the ones who lost out in the end. I tell my son, who is a lot like his father, that White women just want to sleep with you, especially if you’re good looking and tall. It just appears that White women are mad for Black men but think about this. There are 10 times more White women in this country than there are Black men or women.
        98% of White women do not even want to sleep with a Black man. Google it. It’s a fact. There also more White women than there are White men. White women will be happy to sleep with you and live with you until a White man comes along. If you have a good job, she might even marry you until a White man comes along. I’ve lived in White neighborhoods; my daughters grew up with these girls. They spent weekends in my house, and I work with White women, even some of the ones Black men marry for a check. They are not the answer. Fix the problem.
        2% of White women want to sleep with Black men but 98% of Black women want to love Black men. Why are 68% of Black women unmarried, 64% of Black men are unmarried and 50% of White women are unmarried? If anything, it seems like all the Black men should be coupled. “Black men are the envy of the world”, but my good-looking son can’t keep a woman. Why?

        No woman wants a mean man, I don’t care what color her skin is, she wants to be treated like a human being. Kindness is the only thing that real women are looking for, unless you have the wrong woman. If you have had a woman you love, walk out on you, check your kindness. Check what you say. Curb your instinct to criticism and say something nice. Appreciate what you have because she is there because she wants to be with you and only you can drive her away.

        I used the word race, White and Black only because those are the words used here. Race was invented to create a caste system in this country, but White supremacy is real. It only works when Black people believe that White is superior to Black. If you think that a White woman is better than a Black woman or that a White man is not as trifling as a Black one, give it some more thought. How is that possible unless Whites are superior to Blacks? I happen to know for a fact that that is not true.

        Reply

  12. | Nicole

    You need to find better people “friends” to hang around. The “It doesn’t bother me attitude.” is pathetic. Wether it bothers you or not, you shouldn’t let no one WW say no ish to you like that. Typical with most BW with WW friends. The only thing WW and BM have in common is their hate for BW. DO BETTER!!!

    Reply

  13. | Joseph

    Most black men actually marry black women!
    Also stop generalizing all black men into one bracket. Most of us aren’t hear cheating with 3-4 women whilst in a relationship.
    Sounds to me your post is a bit personal and these men you are describing are the men you seem to attract which really reflects back to why you are attracted to these men in the first place….
    As a previous comment had stated, plenty of famous black women are in relationships or married to black men but I don’t see the same energy for the way you go about with them….

    Reply

  14. | Tanya R.

    I do agree with this story! I myself am married to a black man, but I encourage my two daughters to date and marry whoever they want. Neither of them have ever dated a black man. I get so tired of hearing about “the black man” and what he likes and doesn’t like. Mainly from black women. They love him almost more than he loves himself. But the love is NOT returned. Black men love dating non-black women, and black women hold onto him for dear life. I’m so happy to see so many of my black sisters now dating non-black men. I don’t know why it’s changed so quickly, but it’s a wonderful thing. Black women deserve all the love and support they give out to be returned to them.

    Reply

  15. | Unknown

    I don’t understand why she discusses all of the interracial relationships but doesn’t acknowledge the other. LeBron James and Savanah James, Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union, Jay and Beyoncè, Denzel Washington and Pauletta Washington……but if someone has their mind made up its hard to change it

    Reply

  16. | Dorian

    Black men will date who they want.If they talk negatively about black women walk away it’s that simple.
    Gen Z doesn’t give an “F”
    about any racial group solidarity so in the future all singular cultures will be gone and there is NOTHING! anyone can do about it!!.
    The more people in future try to police who everyone is with the more mixed it will get.
    Welcome to the future no one can stop.

    Reply

  17. | Jocelyn

    It’s sad, pathetic and very naive of you think that these Caucasians are your “friends” or the fact that you surround yourself with ppl with this mentality is so unforgiving. For your sake i hope you’re making it up and exaggerating, otherwise, SMH.
    Apart from that, you’re absolutely right about the shift in the dating market….black women are hated, walked on, despised and ridiculed soooo much, especially by black men & women. For the past 5-10 years, it has gotten worse. I don’t see this Ever changing or becoming better; its only going to get worse. It’s best to find love with someone that loves you back,no matter their race, and surround yourself with like minded friends that don’t gaslight and undermine your experiences and opinions.

    Reply

  18. | Melody Pierre

    While I’m aware that there are true black love stories and that some black men do live and want to be with black women personally it’s been difficult for me to find a black man to take me serious enough to marry let alone come from a traditional,vmarried two parent household as me and honors that. Maybe it’s because I have bad skin (keratosis Pilaris) coupled with the fact that I’m not built like the stereotypical sexualized black woman (fully figure or coke bottle body with big breasts and a big butt) most liked me for my personality but never failed to tell me that they wished I was “thicker” than I’d be “perfect” then you have the ones that dont date darker skin because they are already dark skin and dont want dark skin kids so that they would “suffer”. I have had curved and rejected so many non black men to stay loyal to black men only in hopes that one day one would come from a stable home environment and actually believed in marriage AND find me attractive as a individual being to be with me lifelong but at 30 I have had to come to terms that not all of us black women are going to have that, black men like what they like and I’m happy to finally be in a serious relationship where my partner comes from a similar family background and culture as me and is taking me serious enough to consider marriage with me, he is not black and that is what I believe is going to have to be the case with many black women. Either make peace with being and staying alone or date out and stop rejecting other races of men who shows you interest waiting out for a black men, especially if you want children but it’s ultimately up to the person. I opened up my options and just like that I was able to find exactly the kind of man I was looking for just never thought it would be another race of man, it is what it is sometimes.

    Reply

  19. | Pel

    One day people will read this tripe and laugh at the fact we even talked about it in the first place. No one truly cares anyway.

    Reply

  20. | Niko

    This article is absolutely abhorrent. The writer faces anti blackness from black men AND white women and thinks that she fares better with white men???? The very people who inflicted racism onto black people??? This makes no sense.

    I’m convinced that black women’s rants about dating white are just a fetish, until black women can talk about interracial dating without blaming black men and using black men as their main reasons for dating out. There more to life than seeking a partner.

    Reply

  21. | Antonia O.

    IMHO, black men date out of their race because many are tired of angry black women. But this anger isn’t misplaced. Black women are irately angry at black mens’ lack of morals, dignity and motivation to excel. Black men appear to run to non-black women because they’re easier prey. Whereas a black woman will not allow a black man to run all over her, driver her car (because he doesn’t have one) live in her apartment (no home and no job) and sweet talk her out of her money all while sleeping with her friends. Many non-black women naively will. At least until they realize what’s happening. As a black woman I am not much into most black men because of all this. When I try giving black men a chance, too many try to run game. I start out that sweet, beautiful, caring and obedient woman, and soon ….yes…let’s just say there’s a thin line between love and hate. As far as black women, I believe they have these issues because they don’t set standards. In our culture we meet someone, sleep together because we find them attractive, and find about their personality later. It needs to be the other way around.

    Reply

    • | shar

      oh well at least the gen of black kids will have daddies we can eliminate that problem.

      Reply

  22. | Genie

    This article was written almost 10yrs ago…and some of the responses are dismissive and appalling. Number one, the writer said she does not want to date Black men because of how they treat her with disdain and reject her simply because she is a Black woman. Then Black men ignore and comment “we can date who we want.” Uh duh yeah you can. No one is stopping you. The self hate within the Black community is strong. I don’t see it getting any better.

    Reply

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