SOCIETY HAS not served the mixed race couple well. My grandmother remembers a time when her friend, who was a black man from Leeds, was thrown in jail for a month because he dated a white girl.

It is clear that things have evolved since then. Around 677,000 people in the UK now define themselves as mixed. Mixed race people account for 1.2% of the total population and 14% of the ethnic minority population are mixed race, according to SocietyGuardian. 

This demographic is growing exponentially and being in a mixed race relationship is no longer a taboo. It really does seem diabolical that at one point in time it was illegal to date another race.

When we analyse mixed race relationships, we tend to explore how society has perceived these couples. In my opinion, it’s interesting to find out about the couples’ personal experiences and what it’s like for them to fall in love with a person of a different race or culture. For my column this week, I spoke to five couples. For the most part, they have chosen to remain anonymous.

Black people, mainly women, spoke to me about haircare. Some told me their husbands had never even seen their real hair! For me, this raised the question of how we see ourselves. Do we sometimes try to conform to a white ideal of beauty? When I asked this question directly to couples, the answers I received were both striking and sad.

One woman felt she would be more accepted by her husband if she looked more European. Others spoke about how their husbands would twist their locks. They shared that they would only allow their husbands to do their hair. 

Two couples laughed about their different cooking styles and the way they washed meat. All five couples spoke about their in-laws and language. It was interesting analyzing how older generations would often say things that were potentially ignorant or insensitive.

Dating ‘up’

Do people date outside of their cultural backgrounds to gain social capital? One of the women from my group told me quite openly that they would only date non-white men of higher economic status. In contrast, they would be more likely to date white men, even if they came from lower socioeconomic backgrounds. As much I appreciated the frankness, their honesty made me gulp!

One gentleman was very transparent about skin tone too. The concept of colourism was very apparent, as was the concept of dating closer to white for greater status.

A lot of black men and women have spoken about how this form of “self hate” stems directly from slavery. Slave masters would rape African women and their mixed race offspring would live inside the slave masters house. The lighter enslaved person was therefore seen as having a higher status than darker skinned enslaved people who would work in the field. 

This misogynistic and racist hierarchy has been reproduced in modern dating values. Many black women on dating apps have spoken about receiving messages from men who tokenise their sexual identity. One individual from our group of couples spoke about experiencing this level of fetishism within their own marriage.

Mainly white individuals, mentioned to me that their in-laws would often be prejudiced against them and have suspicions about their intentions. They added that they had never truly felt accepted by their partner’s families. Perhaps because society has always marginalised black individuals, older generations find it hard to trust white partners. 

As I had further conversations, it became clear that being in a mixed race relationship seemed to cause specific and recurring issues.

This made me reflect on my own relationship as I am married to a white English man. Had I experienced any problems?

Close to home

I love my marriage. My relationship has always been a very safe space. We allow ourselves to explore and fall in love with our different cultural identities authentically.  The only issues we have had to overcome were when people from my husband’s friendship groups displayed ignorance. My outspoken nature and commitment to anti-racism was often met with defensive pushback. Some individuals were so used to being in white only spaces that they accepted or ignored certain kinds of behaviour. In these moments, my husbands anti-racist ideals were truly tested, because most white people don’t have to confront racism when they are dating people from their own race.

Analysis of the 1995 National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) a decade ago found that ten years after they got married, interracial couples had a 41% chance of divorce or separation. In comparison, those who married within their race had a lower rate of 31%. I wonder what the study would reveal now and I wonder if that 10% difference was due to the complexities of race in mixed relationships.

As I laid down next to my husband, this statistic made me worry about my own marriage. I reflected on whether our decision to marry had been due to stereotypes or social constructs. Would they affect our marriage? Would we survive until death do us part? 

His beautiful snoring soon silenced my concerns. After much contemplation, I’ve decided we are fine and have not been affected too much. 

There is so much to learn and it has been profound to listen to the personal experiences of couples as they talk about their lives. There are influences and complexities that one can only understand when they are involved.

As we move into the future, and we break down racism, hopefully humanity will change and evolve, thus affecting the dynamics within these types of romantic relationships.